It's a funny old thing, branding. No sane person in the world reacts to the news that Anderson Consulting is now called Arraviva (or whatever it is), slaps their hand on their face and says "genius. Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? The first thing I'm doing tomorrow is calling Arrafisticuffs to arrange a full 360 degree reappraisal of my current business methodology." You either need a pompous bell-end who can't be fired wandering round your company suspiciously peaking from behind a clipboard and MicroPod before announcing that the only thing wrong is the staff (but curiously never the Chief Executive who hired him), or you don't. Controversially I can see why Marathons became Snickers. I totally realise why political parties need rebranding every 5 years to escape the cycle of shame and incompetence, but I really can't get why they would try to sex up financial services.
So in this vein, when pondering the amazing brand success that isn't, viz the England Unicorns, thoughts turned to how (though never why) the ECB might relaunch Brand England. And being British the suggestions needed to be good, hardy, manly ideas. We're not going to venerate some sweat stained green cloth cap, or black one come to that. We needed ideas that reflected well on a proud nation.
Silence rained down on the Sofa. We are not really marketing animals as a rule. But salvation came in the form of our listeners via twitter. And a fine colection they were too. Many (Nestle Boy, Scottroo, jyowen for example) went for the easy jibe and suggested Springboks, Kolpaks and South Africa A. I like what they're doing there, but really it should be more like South Africa But Better. Animals also got a good look in following the Kiwis and Tigers examples. The England Great Tits (ReddishShift) has a lovely ring to it. Imperialism featured heavily also with Mint Imperials (Howe_zat), Empire Biscuits (Chappers67), English Empire (Hazel Potter), Dreadnoughts (jyowen), Slayers (Lizzie Ammon) and my favourite in this category, The Empire Strokes Back (ReddishShift again in prolific mood).
Nestle Boy had a category all to himself which can be summed up as "Irish with chip on shoulder" and therefore we were given the England Boozers, Binge Drinkers, Bastards, We Are England No One Likes Us We Don't Care and 'Ave it. Howe_zat wanted a brand that acknowledged our weaknesses and fought back so gave us Questionables, Fragilities, and Capitulates. And perhaps from furthest left field and therefore a shoo in to be adopted by the ECB was Pryke in Munich's "Soapy Titwanks".
However, if I can't get the ECB to take The England Sofragettes, I favour Rodofowa's suggestion, The England Badgers. These mighty creatures are, like Roy Jones Jr. and Don Curry before him, pound for pound the toughest animals on earth (I know this for a fact after befriending a dry stone waller in Blackburn). I also wonder why the ECB gave the England Lions brand to the 2nd XI since it is by far the best and most obvious solution. But I fear Craig Nott is probably spot on with his lengthy and inevitable "The NPower/British Airways/Daily Mail/TestMatchSpecial/England Vodaphones." Then suddenly all those people who never knew they liked cricket will leave their garden centres and formula 1 tracks, their football grounds and antique auctions, their national trust homes and playstations and come flocking to watch England play cricket. Or at least that's what the chap at Arravivache is telling Giles Clarke right now.