I suppose the best thing that can be said for England’s performance on the last day of the 3rd test match was that it was mercifully brief.
Six of the Test Match Sofa commentary team were absent, snowbound in various locations across London and South East England.
Hendo, Sophia, Harwood and I settled down to the inevitable humiliation rather as a transgressing schoolboy waits outside a headmaster’s room for his punishment, and we didn’t have long to tarry.
Anderson defied all expectations by playing a straight batted drive off the back foot for three glorious runs that hinted at some impossible glory, but was immediately done for pace by a low bouncing straight ball from Ryan Harris.
Hendo still clung to the hope of a 300 run partnership between the delicious Bell and the stiff Prior, but the rest of us knew the game was up.
However, there was still just enough time, 49 minutes in fact, for a few expletive laden rants at dreadful technique. Bell somehow managed to learn no lessons from the last 20 years of playing cricket by flicking at a straight one and being trapped in front.
Swann dragged a ball back onto his stumps when he should have left it, and Prior’s braced front leg and obsession with hitting the ball when he could have watched it sail by resulted in another moment of glory for Harris and the catcher, Hussey.
Tremlett, however, batted marvelously for his 1 not out from 3 balls but Finn threw the match away within a mere 268 runs of victory by edging to Smith at 3rd slip.
It was all diabolical, defeatist ineptitude at its worst, but somehow we were grateful for not enduring 3 hours of unnecessary pluck and spirit.
At least there were no “what ifs”. Apart from the obvious “what if England hadn’t played disgracefully bad cricket from the last session of day 1 to the match’s conclusion”.
No doubt plenty of pained pundits will pen a trillion column inches trying to explain the remarkable turnaround in fortunes for both England and Australia. The arrival of wives and children will be criticized. Anderson’s paternity leave will come under fire. Collingwood will have his place in the team questioned.
For Australia there will be rejoicing at the restoration of the old order. Johnson will be hailed the hero. Ryan Harris, with his 6-47 will be garlanded with praise and the failings of the batsmen will be ignored.
I don’t know why it is that these two teams seem incapable of producing a close match despite being closely matched, man for man. But one thing I do know is that England shouldn’t change their side, except perhaps to rest Finn in favour of Shahzad. And that they will fancy their chances at both Melbourne and Sydney despite the hiding they’ve taken at Perth.
Australia, however, may be without Ponting at Melbourne, and this unexpected boost to Aussie morale could be the difference they need to maintain their challenge to regain the Ashes.
But that is all speculation, and since every speculative thought about the likely progress of this series has proved to be the fantastical animadvertion of an excitably unhinged public, I shall simply wait and see.
But whatever happens at the MCG, someone, somewhere will call for Warne or Brearley to be brought out of retirement.