Looking back at my daily reports over this series I am ashamed at my lack of faith.
As I try desperately to bring myself back down to earth in the wake of England’s most punishing drubbing of an Aussie side since 1985, and actually, in the sheer style and relentless dominance of it over the full five days, since The Oval in 1938, I wonder how I could ever have doubted the inevitable victory.
All the talk in the morning was of impending rain and whether or not to take the new ball. Hussey, North and Haddin realistically stood between England and the finishing line.
As usual there was tension. First North was agonizingly close to being given out on referral, and later that over Prior dropped a pretty good chance off Hussey.
You don’t want to be dropping Hussey in this series, and with rain now promised for an hour after lunch, the very real prospect of Australia escaping with the most undeserved draw since England at Cardiff homed into view.
But we’d all reckoned without the possibility of Hussey losing his mind. Anderson and Finn started poorly with the new ball, drifting onto the left handers’ pads and being easily milked. But when Finn came round the wicket and banged it in short, for no explicable reason Hussey essayed a pull, and looped the ball gently to Anderson at a straight mid-wicket.
It was a disastrous blow for Australia and out of keeping with Mr. Cricket’s exasperatingly patient performances hitherto. At that moment, even the Sofa’s more pessimistic inhabitants suspected the game was up.
Haddin has also been in great nick this series but with only one wicket to get to expose the worst tail in recent Australian history, we sensed blood.
It duly arrived via Anderson’s best ball of the match. Haddin had no choice but to play to a delivery that straightened from just outside off stump. He was good enough to snick it and joy poured forth.
In my post euphoric state I can just about dredge up some sympathy for Ryan Harris. He not only achieved Australia’s first King Pair since Gilchrist, but he was also probably unlucky to be given out on both occasions despite referring both decisions. Thoughts briefly drifted to Zulwarnain Haider and his escape from a King Pair in the English summer. Truly all the perceived sins of Australia’s past were coming home to roost.
The end thereafter was swift and delicious. North will get a mountain of flack, but by the time he was out on referral propping forward to Swann and trapped in front, Australia’s goose was crispy on the outside and if anything slightly overdone in the middle.
X-Doh’s final felony in an unforgettably criminal test career was to miss a slightly quicker straight one, and Siddle put us out of our misery by groping and being bowled.
To make matters sweeter still for England, thunderstorms duly arrived straight after what would have been lunch and the outfield turned into a boating lake.
To put this in context, it wasn’t just a beating. England lost five wickets and still recorded an innings and 71 run victory. It was a demolition.
Critics will point to Australia’s poor bowling. They will cry for the heads of Doherty, North and maybe Bollinger. But there was more to this than just uncharacteristic Aussie failings.
England arrived in Australia with a plan. Their team was settled back in September. Every member of their squad knew their role. Plans were hatched. Despite Australian attempts to sabotage preparation by sending England to Hobart just before the Brisbane test, England responded by using their second string bowlers and wiped out Australia A.
Team spirit is often referred to but seldom truly understood. A settled side can develop team spirit because the success of each member of the team is not a threat to any of the others. Hence they can be delighted for each other. They can hunt as a pack. They can make unnervingly camp video diaries of each other dressed up in pink negliges.
If you go through Australia’s side before this series (and even more so now) you will struggle to find more than Watson, Katich, Ponting and Haddin sure of their places. North, Clarke and Hussey were all under the microscope before Brisbane. And not one of the bowlers is a definite pick.
In these circumstances it must be hard for North not to look at Hussey’s 195 and think “strewth. He’s now safe. If anyone’s for the chop it’ll be me. Or maybe Pup.” Would it be inhuman perhaps to want Clarke not to do too well?
And the seamers are looking over their shoulders not just at those currently out of the team but also within it. Harris has come in and probably made his place safe with worthy, controlled bowling, but Siddle and Bollinger could easily be axed for Johnson and Hilfenhaus. Or Peter George.
To complicate matters, on paper it’s Australia’s batting that’s cost them this test. The pitch was true and easy. 450 was a minimum target in the 1st innings, and to be bowled out so swiftly on day 5 and scrape a meagre 549 runs together across both innings suggests if changes are to be made it would be to the top six.
But in truth a batsman’s job is made intolerable if his bowlers can’t get him wickets. Sure, they will point to the dropped catches, but you sensed as you watched England rack up 620-5 that had those chances been taken, England would have got 620-9 instead.
It ought to be too early to write off Australia. It’s only 1-0 after all, and the next three tests all take place on result wickets. But where are the bowlers to take those English wickets?
And if England continue to bowl to the remorseless plans they’ve so successfully employed, when will Australia’s batsmen feel a loosening of the suffocating pressure?
Well, there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon for shell shocked Aussies. Broad is out of the series with a muscle tear. The pack will have to be re-jigged. There will be a temptation (which I hope is resisted) to bring in Bresnan for Perth to cover for Broad’s lower order batting. Tremlett, who would be the right choice, is not a battle hardened test cricketer. Neither is Shahzad.
But Australia has its own series ending casualty. Katich is out with an Achilles injury and none of the replacements will strike fear into the English.
Australia’s selection policy will be under fire between now and Perth. Whoever is brought in will have as many supporters as detractors. So far I’ve heard people calling for Khawaja, Ferguson, Copeland, O’Keefe, Smith, Jacques, Hughes, Cowan, Johnson and Hilfenhaus. And that’s before you even get to the maniacs who are ready to sacrifice their first born for the return of Warne and Lee, and the dreamers who want Watson to take over the captaincy. Watson?
England could bat badly as they did at Brisbane in the 1st innings. Ponting, Hussey and Clarke could all fire. But the noise around the composition of the side is so frenzied I can’t help but be reminded of England in the late 80’s. And those sides, whilst winning the occasional session against the Windies and Australia, were all ultimately flattened.
The next nine days are going to be all about Australia. Tabloids will fulminate with rage at the “despoiling of the Baggy Green”. “Wise” former captains will proffer their solutions publicly, and at the end of it, whatever team is picked will be nervously looking over its shoulder at the ten cabs lined up on the rank.
All the while England will serenely progress via a three day game in which they can test their reserve bowlers, to Perth. No spotlight. No speculation. No negative headlines. No Botham being huffily self-righteous. No Boycott droning on about technical failings. Just meticulously organised preparation. All very boring for the hacks and speculators, but music to the ears of their supporters.
My natural English pessimism makes me scared of saying it but Manny on Test Match Sofa could well be right. England are much the better team, and barring rain at Perth, Melbourne and Sydney, the exorcism of Adelaide ’06 could well look like small beer beside the eventual 4-0 scoreline.