This is all becoming rather surreal.
Sure, the Aussies, we were told, were in disarray. Selection issues bedeviled the camp. Bowlers couldn’t buy a wicket and batsmen, bar Hussey and Haddin, were clueless against England’s steady attack.
But all Aussie sides fight back eventually, and where better to do it than the bouncy fortress of Perth?
When Strauss unusually inserted the opposition on winning the toss, all was set fair for England’s players, press and supporters to get a fair dinkum comeuppance.
To add to the sense of impending doom, Test Match Sofa towers was empty. Our producer had set his alarm for 12:45 instead of 00:45, and four hapless middle aged men, starved of sleep and confused by modern technology were scrabbling around pressing buttons at random.
Somehow we managed to get on air in time for the first ball, and by the end of the second over we were wide awake.
Tremlett, coming in for the injured Broad, had produced a deliciously swinging full ball that Phil Hughes’ woeful technique was incapable of defending. Thereafter began the familiar first day procession.
What characterized today’s abysmal top order collapse was a collection of diabolical strokes that bordered on the petulant. Ponting’s curious guide to 3rd slip was brilliantly taken one handed by a diving Collingwood but the ball should never have got there in the first place.
If anything, Clarke’s dismal waft bore more a resemblance to a terminally bored monarch waving at hired onlookers at a provincial airport in Northern Canada, than an actual cricket stroke.
Watson received a good full inswinger from Finn (who mostly bowled poorly throughout the day), but Smith, batting at least 5 places too high at seven, finally had his painful innings ended by a wide ball, expertly (for once) guided to slip.
At 69-5 once more argument raged on the Sofa. Hendo was distraught at the imminent death of test cricket. Manny and I reveled in the agonizing discomfort that was etched over every Australian’s face.
The pitch had some juice, and England’s bowlers once more bowled tight lines and excellent lengths. Short balls were at a premium, but when they came, they were well directed.
What seemed to be unfolding before our eyes, however, was an abject surrender. Was it that the Aussie batsmen were trying, in vain, to take the game to England? Were they just ill prepared for the extra pace and bounce?
I still have no clue. And the spirited rally from the lower order, led initially by Hussey and Haddin, and latterly by the rejuvenated Johnson and Siddle, only compounds my confusion.
The ball did lose its hardness. To an extent the bowlers became slightly more wayward, but what we seemed to be witnessing was decent batting on a good wicket. Unfortunately for Australia, all the damage had been done in the morning.
For England there will be great relief that Tremlett slotted seamlessly into the attack. There had been crazy talk of replacing Broad with Bresnan before the start of play, but the selectors’ faith in the 6 foot 7 inch, muscle bound Adonis, was more than justified.
He troubled every batsman and only tired toward the end of a hot day.
For Australia they may yet take comfort in the wagging tail. Johnson’s 62 was top score and despite riding his luck he looked back to something like his old cavalier self. But Harris is not the dogged tailender we’d been promised and though 199 runs were added for the last five wickets, 268 looks around 150 below par for this wicket.
Gradually everything we were led to believe four weeks ago has been exposed as nonsense. Hussey is not in terminal decline. He’s Australia’s best batsman.
Ponting looks a defeated man. Watson is not an opener. Haddin could stick around for another 4 years, and this is far from being a close match up between two mediocre sides.
At the risk of backtracking badly this time tomorrow, I shall stick my cowardly English neck out and declare England within an ace of the finished article.
Whenever a wicket was required it was somehow found. Johnson’s dismissal, caught pulling by Anderson at square leg, owed much to Strauss’ ever more imaginative field placement.
The catching was almost universally excellent and the ground fielding never took the pressure off the Aussies.
In batting comfortably through 12 overs late in the day, Cook and Strauss can look forward to a series defining day with the bat tomorrow. Reach 320 wih four or five wickets down and the Ashes could be retained, deservedly, before Xmas.
I can’t believe I’m writing this, and I suppose I could yet live to regret it, but I’ve almost grown tired of Australia’s feebleness. Time for a proper challenge. Bring on India, and let’s see who is number 1.