Blog

So I was right all along. England are going to crush South Africa mercilessly over the course of the next two  marvellous months in every department of the game (apart from 20/20). After the rain saved the Saffies from an inevitable 5-0 whitewash in Jo'burg last Friday there was no hiding place once the sun came out.  A massive 7 wicket win with four overs to spare was achieved through tight bowling from Anderson, Wright and the dobbing trundlers  of Trott and Colly against whom the much vaunted middle order of ABD Villiers, JP Duminy, and XYZ Kolpak had no answer. Much will be spoken of Trott's excellent knock at the top of the order (what will they ask him to do next? Keep wicket? Replace Andy Flower? Take over from Gordon Brown?), and "Cum bai" Colly's chanceless ton, but we on the sofa have identified the real reason behind England's rampant superiority.

During the incessant rain at Jo'burg, another thrashing of the hapless Saffie bottlers by England, this time at the Champions Trophy in September, was shown in lieu of live action, and a most tasty morsel of inside info did it reveal. When Albie Morkel was run out by E-O-I-N Morgan's throw, a delighted team huddle ensued. The usual high fiving, hair ruffling and girlish giggles were exchanged but surreptitiously, almost unnoticeably, the right hand of Swann leant across to the pert buttock of Aryan petri dish experiment Stuart Broad, and was pressed lovingly but flat palmed on the apex of the buttock's curve. It stayed there for 2.76 seconds (we timed it) but at no point did the fingers curl up into a squeeze. This was no inappropriate banker's grope of the receptionist at the Xmas party, but rather, a tender expression of profound appreciation. Can we really imagine our hoary skinned opponents showing such unselfconscious metrosexuality? For them the double nipple tweak and yank on the earlobe followed by a brutalist rugby style head lock and nose ruffling is far more the order of the day. One can almost imagine now that Swanny with his crocked side is being brought breakfast of boiled egg and soldiers to his bed by Adil Rashid wearing a motherly, but unarousing pinny. While KP was having his ankle gently kissed better by Ian Bell, one can only blanche in terror at how Jacques Kallis must be trying to fend off the jokey but extremely painful punches to his broken rib administered by the Morkel brothers.

Now that Proto aussie boar Andrew Flintoff has fled the scene with his mercenary loot, masculine matiness and military haircut, perhaps at last the subtle refinements, ever so evident in the all conquering England women's team, are finally being introduced the men. Oh, and the Sofa can exclusively reveal that wasn't the Duckworth Lewis chart that was being brought out to Colly in the 1st 20/20. It was a billet doux from Andrew Strauss telling him how much he liked his new hair do.

Listen to SA v Eng 1st ODI Highlights (commentating on the ICC Champions Trophy back in September cos of rain).