What’s wrong with me? Is it the punishing sleeplessness? The workmen drilling holes in my ceiling as I retire to bed in the late morning? Or am I irredeemably English?
We’re only two days into a grotesque mismatch with England pummeling the latest desperate collection of substandard trundlers masquerading as an Australian bowling “attack” to all parts of the Adelaide Oval, and I’m yearning for an Aussie fightback.
The sheer epic hopelessness of Australia’s tactics, catching and outfielding combined with the toothlessness of Siddle, Bollinger, Watson and Doherty threatens to undermine England’s achievements in this series so far.
Of course it is perfectly possible that with a new ball in the morning the hosts could run through the top order, bat for two days and go to Perth with the series level. But not even the spectre of the last Ashes game played here four years ago holds any terrors.
The day had started brightly for the Aussies as Strauss continued to employ a tactic oft-beloved of England captains, namely leaving straight balls. On this occasion, rather than shouldering arms, Strauss managed to limbo out of the way of Bollinger’s third delivery and watch helplessly as it pecked the top of the off and middle stumps.
But what followed was such easy domination by Cook and Trott that any lingering concerns were swiftly banished.
For the first two sessions it was possible to wallow in a sea of gloating joy. Australian listeners flailed around in search of scapegoats. By tea pretty much every member of Ponting’s side had been dropped by one tweeter or another in a longed-for shake up more radical than the Russian revolution.
Even Hussey didn’t escape censure for his dreadful drop of Trott at gully. Indeed Australia’s out cricket was desperate. Haddin managed to spill a pretty easy chance from an injudicious hook, Ponting dived over balls at short extra cover that should have been stopped, and an awful lot of time was expended by fielders gazing forlornly at the pristine Adelaide turf.
The conditions were therefore ripe for any England fan, and for Test Match Sofa in particular, to revel in an easy and relaxed ocean of superiority.
Even Trott’s dismissal for 78 to a loose shot off Harris with the score on 176 did nothing to dent our confidence. For the second match running Cook and Trott had compiled a record partnership for England this time surpassing Cook and Bell’s 170 at Adelaide four years ago.
We began to search for the record 2nd wicket partnerships for England at Perth, Melbourne and Sydney.
One of our regular listeners (known only by his twitter soubriquet howe_zat) joined is for the day. He is usually our remote statistician. Today he rained down facts and figures to enliven the frankly dull cricket that was playing out on the field.
Cook’s 136 by the end of the day meant he had scored more runs (371) without dismissal than any England batsman in history, beating the legendary Wally Hammond. He also had batted for 1022 minutes. Another England record.
By the close Cook and Pieterson had taken the score to 317-2, a lead of 72. KP had played himself back into form with a fluent, controlled and untroubled 85. Since the 1st innings at Brisbane England have scored 834-3. Australia has managed 346-11.
True enough the pitch played well today. It wasn’t easy for the Australian seamers. But only Harris (1-51 from 19 overs) posed a threat. Watson kept the runs down by bowling three feet wide of off stump. Doherty, who seemed to have been picked for the sole purpose of taking Pieterson’s wicket, abjectly failed where the likes of Yuvraj Singh have gone before.
Australia has no real idea what their best bowling attack is. At the start of the series most pundits expected it to contain Hilfenhaus, Johnson, Hauritz and Siddle/Bollinger. Three of them have been axed but don’t bet against a recall for any or all of them at Perth.
In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew Hilditch makes a desperate call to Dirk Nannes and Shaun Tait, as the current outfit may just as well agree England’s total in advance, so unable is it dictate even the shortest passages of play.
At the start of play I’d hoped England would bat until lunch on day 4, giving themselves five sessions to bowl out Australia on a pitch that may start to deteriorate. But frankly I don’t think I can stomach watching Australian fielders moping about collecting balls from the boundary simply so Cook, Pieterson et al can have a full day’s net practice.
In the meantime I’ll consult a doctor about getting treatment for Stockholm Syndrome; a condition where a captive develops feelings of sympathy for his jailers. And having endured the best part of 24 years in thrall to Australia’s dominance, it’s clearly a deeply rooted malaise.