Another series has begun on the Sofa, and we got our first real chance to watch the Black Caps in action. Sure they had a brief flirtation with the ICC T20 but this is full on, 7 hours a day cricket. In that 7 hours I have learnt a lot (and I spent the first three hours asleep). So here are my ten lessons from the Book of Revelations (Revised Kiwi Edition).
Kane Williamson has a fruity action. No one will question it, however, because he's also the friendliest bowler in world cricket (Hauritz loses his last remaining accolade).
Hamish Bennett looks the part. He has chiselled features, a broad chest, pert arse and even tilts his head to the right in the manner of Hadlee (Sir Dickie, not Walter or Dale who were more lemon sucky) for his official pen portrait photo. But he bowls like Harmison weighed down with a full colostomy bag that drags his weight to the right thus spraying the ball mostly legwards. He combines the actions of Iain O'Brien and Mike Proctor whilst being half as effective as both of them sharing one leg. For some reason he only chose to bowl short once the Indians had past 300. Not a great prospect.
If the Kiwis can field they aren't letting on. Jeetan Patel is in the side as a favour to his father-in-law (or else he has photos we know nothing about). The least he can do is catch the ball when it's hit straight at him. Martin Guptill's impression of Roger Ramjet evading a swarm of bees was not dignified. To have any chance in this series they will have to catch the easy ones at least.
Gareth Hopkins is the untidiest looking man on TV. Watch out for the Fuhrer, notoriously organised tidy man Dan Vettori, as he contains a surreptitious wince whenever Hopkins takes the ball.
Sehwag is still bored. It doesn't stop him getting 173 but by the end of his innings he was calling for a shooting stick and a copy Herschelle Gibbs autiobiography to keep him awake.
Sehwag is also lazy but no one dares object. The ease with which he summoned a runner as a result of "discomfort" suggests Vettori was frightened to refuse for fear of the consequences. I don't blame him.
India's selectors need to bring in Pujara, Vijay or Kohli and quickly. If you can't blood the youngsters at home against New Zealand, when will you? Dravid, despite his ton which was basically pointless, must duck out of these games. The same for Laxman.
One of these days Vettori will just go into a dark room and cry for three months. In his final 50 tests he will average 60 with the bat and 26 with the ball. He will never again be on the winning side.
Jesse Ryder doesn't need to drink to get fat.
Indian fans expect Tendulkar to score 400 by tea tomorrow.
What lessons await us on day 2? Maybe how Dhoni copes without pressure and how many separate Indians can call for a runner in one day. But I'm particularly relishing a gander at BJ Watling if the Indians can remember to declare. Will he blow hot? Will he blow cold? Will he blow?