All posts tagged 'morkel'

OK. I haven’t got a clue what’s going on. Friday in Cape Town was a hideous replay of the 2nd 20/20. Sunday at Port Elizabeth and it’s tempting to talk of a finished product, an England team packed with players who know their roles and even space for Flintoff to return in place of Wright resulting in a resounding World Cup win in the last ever 50 over competition (before 20/20 takes over) and we stay champions for eternity. It's like the players have been digitised and are literally composed of a notional on or off. 

So far England have managed to produce sensational victories followed immediately by filth. “Anti momentum” is sofa new boy James’ explanation. Victory in the tests will only be achieved by getting so far ahead that the inevitable comeback from South Africa will just fall short. If so, we’re in for a hairy time. Perhaps Cook, Bell and Onions can bring consistency for the tests (though frankly a more inconsistent trio is hard to imagine – The Police?). But then, who wants dull predictability (apart from semi professional gamblers)? There is something delicious about watching James Anderson not knowing whether he’ll go for 60 or take 5-23. You can tell Trott’s new to the set up. He’s failed just the once in 8 innings, and can expect to stay behind for naughty boy nets as he perfects his “my head’s not quite on it I’m afraid” dab to backward point. Even the fielders are at it. Strauss took a blinder on Sunday having dropped three sitters in the week. 

The same could of course be said of South Africa for whom only Peterson has shone in all three games, though De Villers’ hundred on Friday was frighteningly good. Morkel has been the pick of the bowlers but I maintain he’s just Chris Tremlett without the looks (well, not just without looks; with a whole new set of genetically impossible looks tacked on, and a mouth that screams “half masticated sandwich” gaping open at every ball), and will be soothingly innocuous come the tests. 

At least the current pattern has ensured th at England can’t lose the series, but with Nigel back on the sofa on Friday an England loss by about 237 runs looks inevitable, which will set us up beautifully for the 1st test.

Listen to SA v Eng 4th ODI Highlights Port Elizabeth.

Listen to SA v Eng 3rd ODI Highlights Cape Town.

So I was right all along. England are going to crush South Africa mercilessly over the course of the next two  marvellous months in every department of the game (apart from 20/20). After the rain saved the Saffies from an inevitable 5-0 whitewash in Jo'burg last Friday there was no hiding place once the sun came out.  A massive 7 wicket win with four overs to spare was achieved through tight bowling from Anderson, Wright and the dobbing trundlers  of Trott and Colly against whom the much vaunted middle order of ABD Villiers, JP Duminy, and XYZ Kolpak had no answer. Much will be spoken of Trott's excellent knock at the top of the order (what will they ask him to do next? Keep wicket? Replace Andy Flower? Take over from Gordon Brown?), and "Cum bai" Colly's chanceless ton, but we on the sofa have identified the real reason behind England's rampant superiority.

During the incessant rain at Jo'burg, another thrashing of the hapless Saffie bottlers by England, this time at the Champions Trophy in September, was shown in lieu of live action, and a most tasty morsel of inside info did it reveal. When Albie Morkel was run out by E-O-I-N Morgan's throw, a delighted team huddle ensued. The usual high fiving, hair ruffling and girlish giggles were exchanged but surreptitiously, almost unnoticeably, the right hand of Swann leant across to the pert buttock of Aryan petri dish experiment Stuart Broad, and was pressed lovingly but flat palmed on the apex of the buttock's curve. It stayed there for 2.76 seconds (we timed it) but at no point did the fingers curl up into a squeeze. This was no inappropriate banker's grope of the receptionist at the Xmas party, but rather, a tender expression of profound appreciation. Can we really imagine our hoary skinned opponents showing such unselfconscious metrosexuality? For them the double nipple tweak and yank on the earlobe followed by a brutalist rugby style head lock and nose ruffling is far more the order of the day. One can almost imagine now that Swanny with his crocked side is being brought breakfast of boiled egg and soldiers to his bed by Adil Rashid wearing a motherly, but unarousing pinny. While KP was having his ankle gently kissed better by Ian Bell, one can only blanche in terror at how Jacques Kallis must be trying to fend off the jokey but extremely painful punches to his broken rib administered by the Morkel brothers.

Now that Proto aussie boar Andrew Flintoff has fled the scene with his mercenary loot, masculine matiness and military haircut, perhaps at last the subtle refinements, ever so evident in the all conquering England women's team, are finally being introduced the men. Oh, and the Sofa can exclusively reveal that wasn't the Duckworth Lewis chart that was being brought out to Colly in the 1st 20/20. It was a billet doux from Andrew Strauss telling him how much he liked his new hair do.

Listen to SA v Eng 1st ODI Highlights (commentating on the ICC Champions Trophy back in September cos of rain).

So the phoney part of the phoney war is over and honours are even. Though anybody sitting through Smith and Bosman's partnership on Sunday of 170 in 13 overs could be forgiven for thinking that for us Tommies it may be prudent to sign a non aggression pact and get the hell out of South Africa on the first available bi-plane. The talk is of thrilling and exciting cricket; 20/20 as it should be played. 725 runs in 73 overs of cricket spread over two shortened days with one game ending in a one run victory should all add up to entertainment. I didn't quite see it that way. Two flat pitches and some diabolical bowling from both sides, but most especially England's 2nd or even 3rd string, made for repetitive tedium. The batting side is already hugely advantaged in 20/20 cricket by having 10 wickets to fall and only 20 overs to lose them in. If 20/20 is going to maintain its impact, there has to be something in the wicket for the bowlers or else all nuance goes down the Swanny.

Mahmood did manage to contrive one of the most exasperating overs (if you're English) or entertaining (if you're South African) in international cricket history. 2 wicket taking balls off a free hit and a no ball interspersed with length balls and long hops will hopefully have given the England hierarchy the necessary ammunition to make Mahmood the first casualty of the contest. He bowls a decent slower ball bouncer, every three balls. The rest go for four. Wright served up more full tosses than I received in the last three seasons of club cricket. Pieterson and Denly can't be blamed - because they can't bowl. Only Anderson found the right length, and therein lies optimism at least. Broad and Onions have yet to be unsheathed and once Swann returns, England's bowling attack will take on a very different look. But should injury hit any of the front line bowlers, there really is nothing left to fall back on. Perhaps Harmy needed picking after all.

The South Africans shouldn't get too jolly, mind. Smith aside, their man of the series was Loots Bosman and he won't play in the tests. Their other frontline batters had no crease time, and Steyn looked short of ideas on the flat tracks. Indeed, another one day specialist, Ryan Mclaren was probably the Saffies' best bowler. With Ntini down on pace and Morne Morkel erratic at best, the test series could be quite a run fest.

But first we must undergo the ritual humiliation that is a five match ODI series. Or maybe not. Strauss back at the helm. Broad and Onions fit? KP back in his stride. I'm making no predictions, but softly, nearly silently, I may allow a whisper of hope to escape my lips. But, if I so much as see Mahmood carrying Gatorade to the middle for an exhausted Cook, then take me to the nearest correctional facility, shine an angle poise lamp in my face and utter the truest of words: "for you, Tommy, the war is over". 

Listen to the 1st Twenty20 Highlights.

Listen to the 2nd Twenty20 Highlights.