July 2011

Can India Prevent The Rise Of The Machines?

by daniel 28. July 2011 14:34

Is it just me or is the current mega-series between the two greatest sides ever to have walked the earth in 2011 the most under-hyped contest of all time? Listening to my radio of a morning I hear hours of tedious triumphalism over the success of a British man in the 2 mile open course swimming championships, am assailed by the minutiae of Tour de France point scoring systems, and know far more than I ever wanted to about Northern Irish golfers and their cigar preferences.

Yet we stand on the brink of a moment that could determine not just the number one side in test cricket, but the entire socio-economic future of the planet. I would go further but I’m not sure there is further to go.

For at Trent Bridge tomorrow, India, with its billions of pounds and 21st century stellar stars that put the likes of Beckham and Rooney in the shade (to say nothing of Rebecca Adlington, Rory McThingy, and that quirky boy on the bike), face an England team of all the talents but lacking a single individual genius (unless we count KP, which we might but for the sake of this argument let’s not).

It is a clash of cultures; the austere and recently impoverished English nation against the up and coming brashness of 21st century globalism. And England have adopted an almost post war East European approach to their game. Gone are the flamboyant mavericks, such as Botham, Gower and Flintoff. In their stead come uniquely fit and well prepared identikit athletes. Bowlers share their wickets around. Different batsmen excel as the need arises (excepting Eoin Morgan of course), and no one gives so much as a sideways glance at a flaming sambucca or coquettish barmaid. Attention to detail and remorseless professionalism are the watchwords of this England outfit.

Railed against them are a team of all the talents (apart from leg spin bowling but if Harbhajan gets dropped even that may change); individuals whose deeds resound across the cricketing firmament. With their enormous wealth and massive fanbase, the Indian team bestrides the world more dominantly than Real Madrid, Manchester United or Barcelona. And the fanaticism of their followers eclipses anything the former champion sides, West Indies or Australia could bring to the party.

India’s dominance has been a recent phenomenon. The rapid decline of Australia left a vacuum at the top of world cricket which India almost inhabited by default. Barely have they played outside the subcontinent in the last 4 years, and when they did visit South Africa they left with a creditable but hardly history determining 1-1 draw. For India truly to supplant those two great sides of the last 30 years, they must surely win this series against England.

But after losing so horrendously at Lord’s, there is the very real danger that this team will never bear comparison with the greats. A loss at Trent Bridge and it could be time to usher in a whole new era with England, bizarre as it may seem, peering down from the summit. Indeed, not only could it statistically send England to the number one spot, it could result in the break up of one of the truly great batting line ups and herald a period of rebuilding for the current champions.
The Indians have a good record at Trent Bridge. Tendulkar and Dravid prosper there, and with scores generally tending to be lower than at any other English ground, you may suppose the side with the stronger batting would come out on top. But England will have a rejuvenated Broad in their ranks to support Anderson who averages a measly 15 at TB. In addition, Tremlett looks a doubt which may force the England management to call up Bresnan, a bowler for whom Trent Bridge was tailor made.

India are likely to be without the matchless Zaheer Khan and so could well call up Sreesanth, a bowler of endless eccentricity and capriciousness but entirely devoid of reliability. Coupled with his tessellating be-bangledment and random locks, he resembles a latter day Boy George. And say what you like about Boy George but no one was going to pick him for a must win test match.

But it is still only a test series, is it not? Well, not. If England win, it could just herald an era of self-perpetuating success based on the age old, but always ignored in England, principles of team work. We may at last become less fixated with individuals and begin to appreciate the power of the collective. We may loose our chains and finally unite in a post-capitalist doctrine of strength through unity.

Meanwhile India will experience for the first time what it is to lose the glory they have spent so long working towards. The BCCI will come under the spotlight. There will be demands to find talent across the country and not just among the relatively well to do. A revolution could spring up that will cleanse Indian cricket and send them, in four years or so, hurtling back to the summit of the world game from where they could remain dominant for years to come.

Or it could be a draw and I’ll have to re-write all this on the eve of the 3rd test. Either way, be assured that what will take place at Trent Bridge over the next five days is more than just a cricket match. It’s akin to that moment in Terminator 2 when Arnie is sent back in time to destroy the chip which launched the robot revolution. It will decide the future of the cricket world; the only world I, and any right minded people inhabit. It is destiny.

 

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INDIA PORBABLY 100% CURTAIN NOT TO WIN CALCUTTA CUP SERIES

by MORTENEYE 20. July 2011 18:18

HELO ALL FREINDS OLD AND NEW. THIS WEEK SEE START OF MATCH ONE OF FOUR OF ENGLAND AND INDIA CALCUTTA CUP SERIES. IT SEE THE RETURN OF DUNCAN FELCHER BACK TO HIS HOMELAND. I NOT KNOW HOW HE GOT INDIA JOB. MUST HAVE SUCKED SOME REAL ASS TO LAND THAT ROLL. HE HAVE TO LEAVE BACK IN INDIA ONE OF TEAM STAR PLAYARS VARINDAR SEWAGE WHO COULD NOT GET TIME OFF FORM CLEANING BOMBAY DRAINS. HE DO HOWEVAR HAVE GOOD TEAM LEADED BY MAHAPLE SURYP DHONUT. DHONUT HAS MANY HOLES IN HIS GAME SO EXPECT THE ENGLAND BOWLARS TO CREAM HIM THIS SERIES FREINDS. INDIA BEST PLAYAR SACCHARIN TONDULKAR WILL GO FOR ONE HUNDRED ONE HUNDREDS THIS SERIES FREINDS. EXPECT SACCHARIN TONDULKAR TO REALLY LAY ON THE SWEET STUFF IN THIS SERIES. ALLSO EXPECT VVS LAXATIVEMAN TO GIVE INDIA PLENTY OF RUNS. HE MIGHT GIVE ENGLAND BOWELARS TRUBL FREINDS. INDIA BOWLARS ARE LEADED BY HARDLYCAN SPIN. EXPECT HIM TO STRUGGLE THIS SERIES FREINDS. EXPECT ALLSO BOWLAR INSTANT KHARMA TO FEEL THE REPERCUSSIONS OF HIS BAD BOLLS IMMEDIATELY AS THE ENGLAND BATSMANS SWOT HIM AWAY AT WILL. EXPECT INDIA TO TOSS THE BALLTI ZAHEER KANT A LOT ALLSO. ENGLAND BATSMANS WILL EAT HIM ALIVE FREINDS.

THE ENGLAND TEAM IS LEADED AGAIN BY SUPAR CAPTAIN STRAUSS. EXPECT HIM TO ORCHESTRATE HIS TEAM SUPARBLY AND PLAY THIS INDIA BOWLING ATTACK LIKE A FIDDLE FREINDS. NORMALLY COOK WHO GIVE YOU RUNS GET FIRED BUT THIS ONE KEEP HIS PLACE AND EXPECT HIM TO KEEP ON GIVEING RUNS FREINDS. HIS TEAM MATE TROTS WILL ALLSO PROVIDE PLENTY OF DIARAMA IN HIS INNINGS. EXPECT HIM TO DO WELL ALLSO FREINDS. KEEPING HIS PLACE ALLSO WILL BE EX SWEDEN MASSEUR KEVAN PETTERSON. HE IS STILL ENGLAND NUMBAR ONE BOLL STROKAR FREINDS. EXPECT A HAPPY ENDING FOR HIM THIS SERIES. SOMEHOW SON OF CHRIST BOARD HAS PERFORMED MIRACLES TO KEEP HIS PLACE IN THE TEAM. HE HAS BEEN RIGHTLY CRUCIFIED BY FANS FOR HIS RECENT PERFORMANCES. ONCE HE STARTS GETTING WHACKED AROUND THE PARK AGAIN EXPECT A MASS EXODUS OF FANS FROM THE GROUND. HE WILL HAVE ME PULLING MAHER OUT BY THE END OF THE SERIES IF HE STILL STARTING. EXPECT GERM SWAN TO TEAR APART THIS INDIA ATTACK SO MUCH THAT THEY WILL WONT THE GROUND TO OPEN UP AND BURY THEM UNDAR A FLOOORBOARD.

THE GROUND AT LORDS HAS BEEN WELL MAINTAINED BY HEAD GROUNDMAN MICK HUNT BUT EXPECT SOME CRACK TO APPEAR. ALLSO LORDS OFFICIALS BAND FANCY DRESS FOR THE SERIES BUT IT APPEAR IT FINE FOR THEM TO COME DRESSED AS GIANT ICE CREAM. EVERYTHING IN SERIES SEEM TO FAVOUR ENGLAND ESPECIALLY VENUES WHERE GAMES ARE PLAYED WHICH APPEAR TO BE ALL IN ENGLAND.

AFTAR LONG AND DEEP ANAL YSIS I FOUND OUT THAT INDIA IS OLD TEAM. THIS MEAN OLD MAN WILL STRUGGLE TO PLAY FOR CRIKET FOR MANY MONTHS ON TOUR AND INDIA ARE 100% PORBABLY CURTAIN NOT TO WIN CALCUTTA CUP SERIES. REMEMBAR FREINDS DO NOT BET MOAR THAN ALLOWED TO LOOSE. PUT ALL MONEYS ON INDIA TO NOT WIN CALCUTTA CUP SERIES.

RECOMMODATION. ALL MONEYS ON INDIA TO NOT WIN CALCUTTA CUP SERIES

FOLLOW ME ON TWATTAR @MORTENEYE FOR DAILY RAMBLINGS. ALLSO THIS BOLG WILL BE PUBLISHED AT MORTENEYE SUPERTIPSTAR BOLG.

ALL SUPPORT MORT. MORT

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England (quietly) expects; Colly bounces off the wall

by ralphyt 18. July 2011 08:53

It feels like a very muted summer on the international cricket front. A clearly transitional and tired Sri Lanka did as they were told and succumbed to a distracted England during a mildewy June. Bell's caressed a few and increasingly looks like England's banker - Barrington with flair? - and Mahela J dazzled with his all-surfaces timeless class. Sangkarra confirmed what a sublime touch player he is towards the end whilst Mister Anderson showed the flickerings of his winter fire. Cook and Swann look in good nick but the silver flecks in KP's hair might point to too many cricketing miles on the clock. Albion needs him for what I fear could be one last hurrah before a 20/20 hay/pay day.

Beyond that, what can we recount of the summer so far? Probably not much, and the merry-go-round of domestic cricket, all fresh-youngsters, past-it Saffies and transferable England skippers (Strauss? Somerset? One too many ciders I fear) all point to a fairly interminable middle five hundred pages in Wisden 2012. I might find the pages on public schools cricket more digestible. Harrow 2011, now they were a side!

Mercifully, Middlesex (and the Cider Men's) finest looks in better nick this evening, a sprightly ton taken off a Zaheerless India on a West Country featherbed. He's up for it, I'm sure, especially after Vaughan's barbs in the press. But what of the rest? And us?

In part the season reminds me a little of 2005. Bangladesh did bugger-all that year, Thorpy bid adieu and the outsider KP was given his head, with some trepidation. For Thorpe read Colly; for KP, Morgan? As then, England are the coming team, India the ageing masters. Day in, day out, you'd bet on South Africa trumping our young bucks, but with a bit of luck and the wind up Tremlett's tail, it doesn't take much  to see a lissome, agile, dynamic England trumping India and their mighty middle order. Maybe not number one but next best, and we'd almost forgive them if they slid a little in the winter.

How do England get up for this? Of course, in the post-Hussein/Fletcher era they are professionals all and need no other incitement than ten grand in their pocket a behelmeted Bengali to get their dander up. But playing, and commentating, for 11 months a year takes its toll and perhaps we are destined for a damp squib series in an unseasonably damp July? What if an end of play kowtow with Mark "Dreamy" Nicholas doesn't float your cricketing boat? How does one "get up for it"?

Bumble, bless 'im, did his best to stir an Irani-blighted England of the mid-90s with stirring tunes. Jerusalem this, Churchill that, probably a bit of Gracie Fields for all I know. All very left-field at the time, dangerous almost, but strangely current in the week in which Clive Woodward has encouraged our future Olympians to mind their Ps and Qs, floss regularly and tie a neat Windsor at all times. You need a bit of rabble rousing and I fear that this cerebral - quiet, without Broad - England team miss a cheer leader. In short, we need a bit of ginger. Steve Kirby is too much, Bell's strawberry curls don't count. Colly. We. Need. Colly. 

I'm a big fan of an obscure Radio 3 show called Late Junction. It's fronted by an assortment of silkly-voiced temptresses who insist on playing obscure Malian thumb piano ensembles or interminate Tuvaluan throat singers. If you've heard one grio player, you've heard them all, that's what I say. Once in while though they play a track that transcends the moment. It came to me - and Durham's finest, I like to think - last night. Listen here - http://youtu.be/DUu0flJ2O-o - and fail not to be stirred. It's from a tribute to the mining heritage of the North East, all brass band and atmospheric effects. Picture this  there's Colly and his smoke-blackened two up, two down, nursing his 7th born through dropsy, polishing his fugelhorn in the outside lavvy, tear in his sooty eye, wor lad fancing one last crack at the Nawab of Pataudi. Maggie Thatcher, Sir Ian McGregor, Mahatma Bloody Gandhi - and his flipflops - Shilpa Shetty! Bring the buggers on!

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